virus: Fwd: Ancient skulls

C.T. Robinson (
Thu, 9 Jan 1997 13:47:58 -0800

>From: "C.T. Robinson" <>
>Subject: Fwd: Ancient skulls
>cr/ All apologies to John Brock and the his fellow creationists ;). This
one was TOO fucking good to keep to myself.
>------------Begin message here-------------------
>>Paleoanthropology Division
>>Smithsonian Institute
>>207 Pennsylvania Avenue
>>Washington, DC 20078
>>Dear Sir:
>>Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
>>"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid
>>skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed
>>examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your
>>theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of
>>Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it
>>appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of
>>the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to
>>be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great
>>deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be
>>quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior
>>work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your
>>findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical
>>attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to
>>it's modern origin:
>> 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains
>>are typically fossilized bone.
>> 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
>>cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
>>identified proto-hominids.
>> 3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more
>>consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the
>>"ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the
>>wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one
>>of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
>>history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh
>>rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail,
>>let us say that:
>> A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll
>> that a dog has chewed on.
>> B. Clams don't have teeth.
>>It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
>>request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due
>>to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and
>>partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
>>recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
>>dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely
>>to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny
>>your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's
>>Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
>>the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
>>personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
>>your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
>>species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound
>>like it might be Latin.
>>However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
>>fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
>>hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
>>of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
>>effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a
>>special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
>>you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
>>staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
>>digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We
>>eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
>>proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
>>Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
>>you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
>>fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes
>>the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
>>discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears
>>Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
>> Yours in Science,
>> Harvey Rowe
>> Curator, Antiquities

C.T. Robinson

The World's Leading Experts on the Nursing Madonna...
Read Fat City News: