virus: How to be a Cultist

Tim Rhodes (
Mon, 24 Feb 1997 09:25:05 -0800 (PST)

This is important! I, personally, am running out of minions now that Tad
has left the fold. - Prof. Tim

--------- Begin forwarded message ----------
From: Dawn Nicholson <>

How To Be A Cultist:

Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a
regrettable decline in the availability and quality of
fanatical henchmen, evil priests, and willing sacrificial
victims. We wish to correct this growing problem by
submitting the following general guidelines for Cultists.

1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the
mark of the amateur.

2. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practise the correct
pronunciation of your deity's name in the privacy of your
own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are
often helpful.

3. Never invoke anything bigger than your head.

4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight --
it attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen,
various supernatural creatures, and can be downright
dangerous during thunderstorms.

5. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot
stress this enough. Pastel-colored candles in the shape of
cute animals are like beacons to the Powers of Darkness.

6. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense,
silver knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic,
Yellow Sign, cabfare, condoms, and change.

7. NEVER be the cultist that goes to rough up the hero(es).
Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going 'round to
beat up the good guys is a sure route to the bottom of the

8. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil
Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.

9. Don't gloat.

10. If you can't resist gloating, don't reveal your plans.

11. If you do gloat and reveal your plans, don't leave the
hero(es) to die slowly. They don't.

12. If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the hero(es)
to die slowly, don't have the audacity to look surprised
when they turn up at the last moment to foil your evil plot.

13. The hero (or heroes) will always show up at the last
possible moment to foil your plans. With this in mind,
start half an hour early -- they hate that.

14. Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy
to run in while still affording ample concealment.

15. Never screw anything whose genetic structure you are not
absolutely comfortable with.

16. Never admit to screwing anything whose genetic structure
you are not absolutely comfortable with.

17. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE
YOUR EYES. Thousands of cultists could be saved every year
if they'd just remember this simple safety tip.

18. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.

19. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is
now generally considered "bad form."

20. Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims
before the ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the
average malefic deity have never been witnessed by anyone
living, or even intact.

21. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do
not mix. When the shit comes down, it is vitally necessary
to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to
throw the holy water on and the gibbering monstrosity that
will fade away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good
hot bath.

22. Never play strip Tarot.

23. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in
nature can stand against one who is true to his faith, his
God, and his own soul. However, it is also true that the
Gods tend to side with the heaviest artillery, so be
prepared change sides at the drop of a hat.

24. For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is
just not feasible (or even possible), the lower ranks of
demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously-frozen
chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a
mock victim sculpted from Spam(tm) is right out.

--------- End forwarded message ----------